Tonight is one of these nights. It’s a time when I feel overwhelmed; by joy or sadness, I do not quite know which. The fact is tears are streaming down my cheeks after watching a very cute, romantic Christmas film with a happy ending. My initial reaction to said happy ending was to clap my hands like a child and say “yay”with a smile; but then, about a second later, I started to cry.
I am not denying that I am probably, at least, 50% responsible for my own unhappiness. But tonight I’ve realized it’s not just that I’m unhappy romantically speaking. It is also that I am terrified I will never figure myself out. I am terrified that I will never meet anyone I will be able to build a sustainably happy relationship with. Will I even be able to recognize them if I did? Being the blind idiot that I am… What if that person’s already walked away from me and I didn’t see them for what they were?
All those what ifs, they are rather overwhelming. Sometimes I think it’s me, I don’t let my guard down and don’t let anybody in. And, when I do and get in too deep, I find an exit as soon as possible because I’m terrified; because I feel that I am not enough. And I try to make myself think otherwise. So, other times I will let myself get close to someone. Maybe they don’t do it on purpose but they act like they are not interested. Or they’re being assholes. (There can be other “Or” possibilities of course, but it is past midnight and I can’t think of any more) Generally, as if it’s not bad enough that I act like a fool when it comes to relationships, it ends.
Even when I do try to express myself, to try and fix things… it blows up in my face. Sometimes I feel like I will never get a happy ending. Maybe some films are the roots of my unrealistic hopes when it comes to romance, but it’s fair to say everybody wants to find someone they just click with. I’ve had that in the past, I know how it feels. I just hope I wasn’t so stupid as to let someone so special go. Tonight is just one of these nights.
If any of my friends reads this and is surprised, I wouldn’t blame them. I’m good at pretending I’m alright. Sometimes even I believe it. But I’ve realized it’s done me no good to shut down my emotions. So if writing can help me out, then I will let it. *Fingers crossed*